I am a regular guest commentator on educational issues in Toronto's AM radio 1430.
I have been on the radio for the past few years and in this week's show, one of the audiences called in asking me specially about my notes on the show. At my audiences' request, here are the notes for this week's radio show. Please feel free to comment and ask me questions.
Besides reading books, magazines and website articles on parenting and teaching kids, I also enjoy attending workshop, community lectures on how to teach kids. I have observed and learned from parents at my schools, friends who have raised very good kids, and have excellent relationship with them. I asked and learned from their success stories and strategies. I have learned so many things from other parents. I would like to share with you today:
Parenting Strategies - TOUGH LOVE
Mary- a wonderful mother who has raised two great kids – a daughter who is an eye specialist and a younger son who works in the finance business.
To me doing well is not just having a good job and making lots of money.
Her two grown children are doing well; they are well educated, independent, confident, polite, responsible, respectful , helpful, cooperative, well adjusted, all around and caring individuals.
This mother was a professional career woman who held a senior position with a well known company in Toronto. But as soon as her first child was born, she gave up her well paying full time job, stayed home and raised her two children. She sacrificed her career and devoted her time to the family.
When the children were young, the daughter was polite, cooperative, listened to instructions, did not get into a lot of trouble.However, the son was smart but a little naughty, a normal mischievous and energetic child.
Often, young children ( 4-8 years old ) need encouragement to be on time for school, performing their routine such as brush teeth, going to bed etc. They sometimes forget their home work or books at home.
This young boy was around Grade Two and he forgot his books a couple of times . This time, his mother had reminded him to pack his things the night before, but he did not listen.
The next day, the mother drove the boy to school. At the school front door, the child discovered that he forgot his homework at home. He asked his mother to drive home to get it for him because this teacher was a very mean one.
But the mother told her son calmly:
“ Sorry, son, I cannot do that. You need to be responsible and do things for yourself. I reminded you last night to have everything ready for school, but you did not do it.“
Son : “ Mom, this is a very mean teacher. If I don’t hand in my project today, he would punish me. He would give me a detention and my friend would laugh at me!” The son begged his mother.
Very calmly, without screaming or raising her voice, this Mom said:
“ Son, I am sorry. I love you, therefore I cannot do things for you all the time. You need to learn that there are consequences of our actions in life. Whatever we do, there is a consequence. When we do the right thing, there is good result. But when we do something not quite right, there will be bad consequences. We need to be responsible and we have to face the consequences. If your teacher punishes you because your forgot your project, then you have to face it. “
Even though this grade two boy begged her mother, threw a temper tantrum, and cried in the car, the mother would not budge. She sent him to school without giving in to her son’s demand.
Off course, the son came home, not very happy because the teacher punished him, gave him a detention. Therefore, he could not go outside and play with his friends during recess. He was also embarrassed in front of his friends.
But he learned his lesson and from that time on, he made sure he had everything for school every night.
The Tough Love strategy is not easy for many parents. We all love our children and want the best for them. Our natural inclination is to help them when they are in need or in trouble. But as parents, sometimes, we need to be hands off in certain situations.
Do not do everything for our children, and bail them out of trouble every time especially when they are in elementary school. The troubles which they’ll get into when young are small; let them experience failure and face up to the consequences of their actions so that they can learn early in life.
If we keep doing everything for them and helping them to avoid trouble, they will never learn. In the future, when they will face big problem, can parents continue to bail them out?
For example, a little while ago, a young man got into a car accident and hit a pedestrain in China. Instead of trying to face up to his mistake, he called his mother to help him. His mother arrived on scene, made some phone calls to some important people and got his son off the hook because his father was a senior official. The entire episode was captured by someone who posted it on line.
People in China learned about this young man getting away unpunished in this accident due to his parents' corrupted actions. They became very angry, demonstrated and protested against this injustice. Eventually, the father had to appear on national TV and apologize for his actions.
I am sure this young man never to face his own actions when he was young and his parents bailed him out of trouble after he made a mistake.
Be a Tough Love parents - We don't need to overprotect our children. Let children face the consequences of their mistakes early and take responsibility of their actions.
R.T.
AM Radio 1430
Markham, Ontario
